Of a childlike faith

matthew 19:14

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these . . .

We’ve all heard the teachings and the preachings on this verse. But if you’re anything like me, you have a hard time putting things into practice after substantial time has passed. Some times I’ll forget within the week what God spoke to me about and wanted me to work on. Some passionate life I live . . .

But this has been with me for a few weeks now. And I’m really trying to re-evaluate my life with this verse, with this concept in mind.

I keep trying to remind myself of the main reasons why God wants us to come to him as little children. What about a child is so appealing? The first words that come to mind are “innocent” and “pure”. These are words that should be more than words. We all say we’re striving to live a pure and holy life, but what does that actually mean in our every day lives? What does that actually look like?

For me, I try to think back to a time when I was actually “innocent and pure”. And honestly, I have to think pretty far back. The world corrupts us all earlier and earlier now. Maybe you began to lose your innocence when you hit that stage in life when jokes began to have more than one meaning . . . or maybe it was back when you began to realize you were choosing to disobey your parents’ wishes. Regardless, everyone has that age where our innocence begins to diminish. And I really want mine back.

I want to NOT know what that joke means. I want to NOT worry about my future. I want to NOT worry about the past that should be behind me. What I want to is to blindly follow my Jesus where HE wants to take me. As children, we don’t always want to do what adults say, but we still know who the adults are and respect our authorities. As an “adult” (or whatever that means) I find myself not always respecting my authorities, and not always trusting the Father to know what’s best for me. Why is growing up so complex?
I wish I could capture those good qualities of being a child again. Instead I find myself being childish in the not so good ways. I find it so easy to pick at other people. I find it so easy to see their sins. I find it so easy to justify my own actions when I’m making the same mistakes that I pointed and hissed at others for. What is wrong with me?

“You went out last weekend and got so hammered you don’t remember it?” Shameful.
“I heard they sleep over at each other’s house, and she still leads a bible study?” I can’t believe people.
“You called who a what?” Jerk.

Why am I so two-faced? Why are WE so two-faced? I find that most times when I’m struggling with something, I don’t have to look far to find someone who is struggling with the same thing. Maybe it’s meant for it to be like that. Because it’s always comforting to know someone else is dealing with the same crap.

But in all seriousness, I know this is something other people deal with, because it’s another flaw I’ve pointed out before. “They’re such a hypocrite! They called me out when they aren’t doing much better!”

See, such a vicious cycle. I don’t want to be childish. I want to be childlike.

And what about purity? What exactly does it look like to live a pure life? I think it’s more than just abstaining from sex until marriage. I think it’s more than just tip-toeing around those physical boundaries. Purity is not something to play with. It’s not something to lay aside and pick up whenever we feel we’re ready. I looked it up actually. Just for kicks.

“freedom from anything that debases, contaminates, pollutes, etc” (thank you dictionary.com)

It also says “freedom from guilt or evil . . . freedom from foreign or inappropriate elements”

That’s kind of intimidating. How am I supposed to live a life like that? I’m already contaminated in ways . . . already filled with pollutants . . . already full of guilt from things I can’t forgive myself from. And I’m constantly finding new ways to let impure things into my life. And sometimes it’s the people that I love, people I respect . . . that lead me farther from pure and holy without even realizing it. They don’t mean to, and I definitely don’t expect it. But some how I get lured in. Some how, inch by inch, I find myself miles from where I wanted to be.

And most times now, I find myself looking up to those younger than me. Because people my age and the people who are older are struggling with these same battles. And they’ve lost the fire and passion just as I have. It’s the younger ones, it’s kids like my sister and kids even younger who remind me of the innocence and purity that I miss; that I desperately need.

God, grant me innocence again. Restore my purity. I want to only be focused on the ONLY one who matters. And in a constant search for the plans you have for me.

The Kayak of Life

So this past weekend I had the pleasure of camping with some lovely people. And we decided to take an adventure down the Red River. We went to a place that rented both kayaks and canoes; we chose kayaks. And as I was chillaxing down the Red River, reclining in my kayak, letting the current slowly drift me downstream, I had some time to let my thoughts wander.

If you really think about it, sometimes our lives, mostly our personal growth can be comparable to kayaks and canoes. A canoe is made for two or more people. And because of that it requires team work and relying on one another. You have to be in sync; you have to compromise, and determine the course together. A kayak, however, is made for one person. You do not need anyone else to operate it. You control it, its direction, and its speed.

Maybe no one else agrees with this comparison, but as I was sitting in my kayak, I thought about my independence.

For quite a while, I was living life in a canoe. I was depending on other people to get me places. I was depending on other people to set the course for my life, set my pace, to keep me in sync with the current. For far too long, I have allowed myself to rely on other people. For far too long I have been consumed with letting others dictate my life; and I've liked it that way. I thought it was the only way. I wanted others to paddle for me, or tell me how, or show me how to do it.

I'll be honest, part of me was a little disappointed when I found out we were choosing kayaks instead of canoes because I wanted to be in a boat with my pals and work together. But once I was in my kayak, I realized the world I was living in was a world I was meant to break free from many moon ago. Kayaking was a blast, but I took more away from it then a sense of adventure and slight tan on my arms. I now WANT to be who I am. And I want the only one I rely on to be Christ. Christ should be the only one guiding and directing me. My kayak is to be led by the spirit, not the world. The current that takes me down the river should by my God, and my God alone.

Don't get me wrong, kayaking alone wouldn't be much of an adventure. But having friends who are also following the same current of Christ and living in their own independence as well is what I need. And that's what I got this weekend. I no longer need a canoe because my life is changing and in a constant
search to be led by the spirit.

Hopefully this makes as much sense to you as it does to me.

Peace and Prayers.

Cynicism

I've been a cynic for most of my life. Over and over again I'm reminded that the world frowns on cynics. Even though everyone is a cynic about something, secretly. But regardless, I have tried to change my ways over the past few years. I don't really see an issue with it, other than no one else seems to enjoy our kind.
I realize most definitely that the language of the bible and of Christ is love. And I support that love 100%. There is no other love greater than that of our heavenly Father and the love it took for his Son to die for us. I believe that with everything in me. And I believe that because of the love He possesses for us, that it causes us to carry deep and unconditional love for others. Love that makes you realize that everyone has a soul and everyone is worth the trouble. Love that makes you realize that if God can love a sinner like me, a twisted mind like me, a troubled spirit like me, then I too can love the other sinners, twisties, and troublers out there. We were all created by the same creator. And for that we are all brothers and sisters in Christ.
However . . . the cynicism comes in on one part. This idea of this . . . I guess "fairy tale love". For quite a while I didn't believe in that type of love. I didn't believe in soul mates. I didn't believe in fate between two people. And then there was a period where I started to believe. Not because anyone came along and proved me wrong, but because I thought I was wrong to believe other wise. And now . . . I'm not sure what I believe. Some days I think there is one person out there that was designed and created to meet and marry me. Some days I think that one special someone is right around the corner ready to fall madly in love with me. Other days . . . I'm convinced I'm wasting my time with those thoughts.
Don't get me wrong, I know that the love my parents have for each other is a real, true love. But I see others that are married that aren't nearly as "in love". What if that happens to me? What if I marry someone thinking "this is it!" only to realize later it isn't real. And then . . . what if I never get married at all? What if I go my whole life without finding someone? For all of you cynics I'm sure you're thinking "I told you so." For all you fairy talers . . . I'm sure you're thinking "well, you missed your opportunity some where down the line!"
Either way, not very promising.
But I haven't decided on anything yet . . . no worries.
I'm still in a constant search for answers, for reasons, for someone to prove me wrong.

A New Chapter Begins

I'm finding it kind of ironic that I entitled my blog "In a constant search." My intentions of the title were to symbolize that by constantly searching, I'm constantly growing. However, I dug up my old Xanga tonight and decided to have some flash backs. Many of my writings are still emotions or situations I'm feeling today, and it's been over 3 years since I posted some of those blogs.
Have I changed?
Or does life really come full circle?
Either way it doesn't seem too promising.
On the other hand, I refuse to be negative and emo. I have changed, maybe not completely, but that's what makes me, me, right?
I have changed in the fact that I am now 3 years older and 3 years wiser. I have learned from my mistakes. I have learned to let go of certain things. I have learned that chapters end and new ones begin. And this is a new chapter. Xanga hit it's peak for me when I was about a junior in high school. And here I am, a junior in college, starting a new blog.
I have changed. And I hope to continue to do so. And I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me. "All things are possible through Christ, who strengthens me."
It has always been a struggle to follow and rely on Christ. Then and now are no different in that. But I am in a constant search for the plan God has for me and to know my Savior better each day.

To anyone who may read this . . . I hope God blesses you in some way through me.